I'd rather you didn't: what is meant and what is said
Hear the message behind polite, indirect English, and use would rather and it's time + past to make requests and complaints tactfully
What you'll be able to do
Hear the real message in polite, indirect English, and say difficult things (no, please stop, I disagree) tactfully enough that the relationship survives.
Said and meant
Much of what English speakers mean isn't in the words. The listener works it out from the situation and from what the speaker chose not to say. This is called implicature.
| What is said | What is usually meant |
|---|---|
| It's a bit cold in here. | Could you close the window? |
| I'd rather you didn't. | Please don't. |
| I'm not sure that's the best idea. | I think it's a bad idea. |
| I'll bear it in mind. | Probably not, but thank you. |
| Some of the reviews were positive. | Not all of them were. |
| I wouldn't say no. | Yes, please. |
| With respect, … | I disagree, possibly strongly. |
These are the most likely readings, not rules: tone, relationship and situation can change them. When a lot depends on it, check politely: Just so I'm clear, is that a no?
The grammar of polite pressure
- would rather + another subject + past simple, for the present or future: I'd rather you didn't smoke here.
- would rather + another subject + past perfect, for the past: I'd rather you had told me earlier.
- would rather + base form when the subject is the same: I'd rather stay in tonight.
- It's time / It's high time + subject + past simple: it should already be happening.
- I'd rather you didn't mention this to anyone yet.would rather + past: a polite request not to
- I'd rather you had asked me first.past perfect: a complaint about something already done
- It's high time we had a proper conversation about this.high time + past: we should have done it already
- Some of the guests stayed until midnight.some suggests that not all of them did
Common mistakes
I'd rather you to wait here.→ I'd rather you waited here.I'd rather you don't tell anyone.You'll hear this in conversation, especially in British English, but the standard form everywhere is the past: I'd rather you didn't tell anyone.It's time we leave.→ It's time we left. (or It's time to leave.)- Taking indirect words literally: I'll bear it in mind is rarely a promise, and That's an interesting idea isn't always praise.
Practice
- I'd rather you _____ the car tonight: I might need it.Options: didn't take · don't take · won't take
Show the answer
didn't take — Would rather + another subject + past simple, for the present or future.
- I'd rather you _____ me before you booked the tickets.Options: had asked · asked · would ask
Show the answer
had asked — A complaint about the past: would rather + past perfect.
- It's high time the council _____ (do) something about the potholes.
Show the answer
did — It's high time + past simple: they should already be acting.
- I'd rather you _____ (not / mention) it to my parents.
Show the answer
didn't mention — Would rather + another subject + past simple, negative.
- I'd rather _____ (stay) in tonight, if you don't mind.
Show the answer
stay — Same subject (I … I): would rather + base form.